I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
