Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
