hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
