The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
