Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
