Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
