I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
