and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
True strength comes from lack of pants
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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