If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
