The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
