Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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