Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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