Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
