all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Couch. On fire.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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