It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
