What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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