I wish I could teleport
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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