you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
