If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
