i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
