She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You need a sexual gate keeper
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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