I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
