he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
