i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm having to shit out rocks
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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