i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
