I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
