I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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