Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
