that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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