Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
