she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
