I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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