You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
