So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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