You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
