your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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