I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
