In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We left the knife in your bed.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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