the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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