I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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