I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize