worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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