the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
