My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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