The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
