The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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