Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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