Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
