Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
