I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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