god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
