and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize