Cold hands, warm shart.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i love accidental penises.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
