I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
