Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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