We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
