You can't special order awesome
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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