We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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